Tag Archives: Carpe Diem

45

15 Apr

It’s Friday!

So, we just had a tornado go through.  Much excitement ensued, I heard the wind suddenly blow up and the hail started to fall.  Now normally, we can’t hear a thing.  We live on the second floor, with people above us – if it’s storming, we don’t know.

We heard this wind.

I, of course, wanted to open the door and watch!  R wouldn’t let me, however, and I had to resign myself to take pictures through the glass.  (Don’t tell, but I actually opened the door)

It’s times like this I love living in the South.  So much excitement!

I used to be afraid of storms when I was little.  When the tornado went through Dunwoody in 1998, I remember looking in the mirror and being literally pale from fear – there was this horrible lump in my stomach that barely let me sleep, and after that horrible night was over, I never again wore the nightgown I had on that night.  Eventually, though, the fear faded, and left in its wake is a new feeling of excitement and fun.  After all, we live in the city.  What’s the worst that can happen?  I think, after watching footage of storms in Kansas and Arkansas, I get paranoid that the same thing will happen here in Atlanta.  But, their tornado warning is not our tornado warning.  The stuff that happens already when we have a storm is pretty much all that is going to happen.  And that is nothing to be scared of; I rarely am, unless awoken at night by a giant storm.  Then I’m just disoriented and confused, not really scared.

It makes me wish I could transfer this newfound fearlessness into other parts of my life.  I did yesterday, when I went on a giant slide with my five-year-old.  There is a carnival near our house, and we got a jump-start on the crowds by going yesterday evening.  And as I climbed the rickety stairs, I tried not to think about the stairs possible collapsing under us and sending us to our doom, with broken bones and lots of screaming.  I didn’t look down to the end of the slide, instead focused on sitting down, getting J onto my lap, and then before I could chicken out I gave us a mighty push and there we went.  And you know, I’m glad I went.  I love the feeling of going fast, my hair flying behind me and the breeze in my face.  I’ve always loved that feeling.  And I don’t know when I stopped loving the feeling and started letting the fear win.  But I’m working on it.

Fear will hold you back.  I’m firmly convinced you can do nothing great until you let it go, and learn to fly solo.  In essence, you can’t give a damn if you fall.  Sometimes I think I care too much, in different ways, and sometimes it’s hard to say fuck it, it doesn’t matter, it’s only bringing me down…I have a hard time letting things go.  I’m an eternal optimist – I will always hold on, convinced that something good will come of it.  I can’t decide what’s better; probably because one needs a healthy mix of both.

Ok, that’s enough of that talk.  Be fearless, dear readers, and see what happens.

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4

24 Jun

My work schedule has been crazy these past few weeks. I’m up at 6am, and if I get home before 7pm I’m lucky. Not that I don’t love my jobs; on the contrary, I feel very lucky most days to be employed in three such varying ways.

This is also not to say I’m not tired as f*ck every night. Not to mention every morning.

I found myself more tired that normal a few days ago, that heaviness taking up permanent residence behind my eyes, head pounding because it misses my pillow, and that desperate feeling that you’re never going to feel rested again haunts me daily. I thought I’d left that feeling behind when I graduated college. It seems I was mistaken.

It was 6:30am and I was pulling out of my driveway to go to work, and I looked over my shoulder and saw the most beautiful sunrise I’d seen in a long time. Giant red ball of sun, lighting all the trees on fire and sending flames of light onto the street. I should have been astounded. I should have stopped and really looked. I should have gone back inside the damn house for the damn camera. Instead, I looked for a second in my rear view mirror and thought, “Oh, ok…sure, it’s pretty, but there will be another sunrise another time.”

Stop. Not ok. When did I get so jaded that I stopped seeing the simple everyday beauty that this world has to offer me? I made a point three years ago to stop looking down and into myself and start looking out and around and up. It is so important to see, not just go through life blind to everything beautiful.

I’ve lost sight again. It’s time to reign it back in and start fresh. I wonder if there will ever be a time I’m steady and consistent? I could talk more about this, but the dog needs walking and the dishwasher is leaking and my dinner is halfway cooked. Here’s to finding the balance between truly living and just surviving.

1

2 Jun

The original name of this blog was A Year in the Life, a not so cleverly disguised copy of my favorite song from Rent. That year ended almost six months ago. I’ve reached a stalemate in my mind. I don’t write enough; I feel a little guilty about that every day. But lately these guilty feelings have actually begun to inspire me to do things, instead of just sitting there sulking in my brain. I want to get out and do something, not just sit around and dream and make plans. I want to take control, make a difference, say I’m doing something worthwhile and real. Something tangible. Something that I can point to and say, “Yes. That’s mine. I did that.”

So today is my 24th birthday. Birthdays are important in this family – from the time I was born, great planning went into every June 2nd and it always turned out beautifully. Mom always went out of her way to make my birthday special. There was the time she surprised my friends and me with a limo ride around Atlanta, I think when I was 10 or 11. She turned the living room into Paris for my 20th birthday. And for my 22nd, I helped her convert the back patio into our own little restaurant, complete with little cafe lights and bottled soda in tin buckets.

We videotaped all of my birthday activities from the time I was born until I was seven. I watch them every year; it’s become tradition, and June 2nd wouldn’t feel quite right if I didn’t sit in my favorite comfy chair and watch my little self running around on the screen in front of me. It’s amazing how these days intertwine and all feel the same.

Mom and I just got back from lunch; tonight, we will hit Pozole, this amazing margarita bar in the Highlands, for drinks and dinner. I thought I’d finish this post now, before the warm buzz I always get from tequila kicks in. Another year down, this one much different from all the rest. School is over (for now), I’m working every day, I moved into my first place, I broke up with my first boyfriend. There’s so much material here, waiting for me to sort it all out into piles and start writing…waiting for me to find the common threads, to learn the lessons, to gain experience and knowledge. I think it’s finally time. Time…to stand up, or grow up, to step faithfully into the future and carpe the shit out of the diem. So here we go.